Dammit Shayna, Are you ever satisfied?

There are moments in my life where I have felt the weight of the world on my chest, usually...unexpectedly. Some people call it anxiety...I'm thinking it's something bigger.

I have a never ending desire to fly. To soar. To continue to grow. Continue to reach. Never satisfied with my present situation. Now, this isn't to say I am not satisfied with present moments. So let's calm down before you tell me to go see a Psychiatrist... 

I wonder, why? Why am I like this? Why am I not satisfied with my "Great Life"?

I have a constant internal battle, is it something wrong with me? Or am I meant for more and this is God telling me?  Naturally, of course there's nothing wrong with me...Ha. 

My most recent of trials...I woke up one day with a feeling that is not easily described without the analogy of hanging off a 9,428 foot cliff, with the only safety net being a piece of floss tied around an unstable rock. Me? Dramatic? Never.

Basically, I knew I was on the edge of falling into a pit of settlement. I had it not just good, but great. Yet, God was telling me...this isn't your story, it was only meant to be a chapter. It's time to grow, again. So I did. I made some changes, leaving most things that brought me comfort.

So here I am, in Utah. I took a new position at a company that is relevant to my experience in the automotive industry. Starting from the bottom all over again...the optimist would say this is a step up, but my damn ego is saying you are a know-nothing in this company! Hurry and make a name for yourself dammit! 

This position, comes with 6 weeks of alone time in Utah to explore my own thoughts and desires for my future. I don't think I know anyone else who has had more "alone" time to self-reflect...every 6 months I seem to get it! Geeeeez Shayna, figure your shit out.

I've prayed, I've hiked...I've gone absolutely crazy trying to find a coffee place. Mormons don't typically have the same coffee fiend as this girl from Southern California's recently out of the Car Sales industry with 12 hour days who still has the addiction in her system. Talk about a transition. Now, I'm a Monday-Friday 8-5; no more weekends, no more working holidays. What do people actually DO on Saturdays? Beats the hell out of me. Never had one off! 

I have so many dreams and passions I want to go after. I WILL go after. I'm writing this to really help myself sort some things out. More so, I am looking to keep myself accountable. I know in my heart, for certain, more than anything else in this world...I have a heart for children and education, in a worldly setting. I want to start a non-profit organization. I have a whole concept that I want to put in place. But I'll need help, resources, ideas and support.

I can't wait to see where life takes me, and trust me...I mean I can't wait. Ha. That damn instant gratification need embedded in my soul.